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Instagram cracker

from Those Botox jokes never get old by Chris Martin

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"The bad news: rapper Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross is dead. The good news: I can finally tell the difference between Daddy Mac and Mac Daddy." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin hits a musical note May 8, 2013 at McCormack's Irish Pub in Richmond, VA

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I’d like a moment of silence for Jeff Hanneman, guitarist with Slayer, dead at 49 of liver disease. I think we can all agree we didn’t see that coming. The bad news: rapper Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross is dead. The good news. I can finally tell the difference between Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac. Swedish police find pot and a taser on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. One causes disorientation and the other causes pain, which pretty much sums up the Justin Bieber concert experience.

I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck. I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.”

Voyager 1 has reached the outer limits of the solar system. Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Obama talked to Planned Parenthood and never used the word “abortion.” He did say women should have the right to call in a drone strike on their wombs. Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. A cantor is the lead singer in a church. House of Representatives Majority Leader Eric Cantor is Jewish. Given what he’s doing to the American public, should Eric’s last name be Mohel. I don’t understand. That joke would kill in a concentration camp.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re fucked.

People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people.

The fire department rescued a Henrico woman from a sinkhole. All they had to do was drive her to the county line. Henrico County, or as I like to call it, Henhicko County. Henrico County has more crackers than a box of Saltines. What do you call a redneck with a camera phone? An Instagram cracker.

Who knew that Michael Bay was Iron Man’s spirit animal? Don Cheadle will star in an Iron Man spin-off, ‘Iron Patriot - Return to Hotel Rwanda.’ That should have a high body count. Tom Cruise to star in a fifth Mission Impossible. It’ll be the most impossible of all missions Scientology ever had: turning him into a heterosexual.

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from Those Botox jokes never get old, track released May 8, 2013

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Chris Martin Richmond, Virginia

Chris Martin of Richmond, VA got the comedy bug back circa 2000 when he emailed Anderson Cooper of ABC’s World News Now several jokes and Cooper read one of them on each night of his broadcast from London with JuJu Chang. Chris thought maybe this joke-writing stuff has potential and started looking for open mics. ... more

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