Those Botox jokes never get old

by Chris Martin

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Chris Martin does stand-up comedy in March, April and May of 2013

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released May 12, 2013

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Chris Martin Richmond, Virginia

Chris Martin of Richmond, VA got the comedy bug back circa 2000 when he emailed Anderson Cooper of ABC’s World News Now several jokes and Cooper read one of them on each night of his broadcast from London with JuJu Chang. Chris thought maybe this joke-writing stuff has potential and started looking for open mics. ... more

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Track Name: Scientology's Mission Impossible
I’d like a moment of silence for Jeff Hanneman, guitarist with Slayer, dead at 49 of liver disease. I think we can all agree we didn’t see that coming. The bad news: rapper Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross is dead. The good news. I can finally tell the difference between Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac. Swedish police find pot and a taser on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. One causes disorientation and the other causes pain, which pretty much sums up the Justin Bieber concert experience.

I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck. I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.”

Voyager 1 has reached the outer limits of the solar system. Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Obama talked to Planned Parenthood and never used the word “abortion.” He did say women should have the right to call in a drone strike on their wombs. Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. A cantor is the lead singer in a church. House of Representatives Majority Leader Eric Cantor is Jewish. Given what he’s doing to the American public, should Eric’s last name be Mohel. I don’t understand. That joke would kill in a concentration camp.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re fucked.

People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people. The fire department rescued a Henrico woman from a sinkhole. All they had to do was drive her to the county line. Henrico County, or as I like to call it, Henhicko County. Henrico County has more crackers than a box of Saltines. What do you call a redneck with a camera phone? An Instagram cracker.
Who knew that Michael Bay was Iron Man’s spirit animal? Don Cheadle will star in an Iron Man spin-off, ‘Iron Patriot - Return to Hotel Rwanda.’ That should have a high body count. Tom Cruise to star in a fifth Mission Impossible. It’ll be the most impossible of all missions Scientology ever had: turning him into a heterosexual.
Track Name: It tastes like ancient hatreds
The good news: I’ve stopped my post-Valentine’s Day drinking. The bad news: I’ve started my pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drinking. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin, which means it tastes like ancient hatreds, ignorance and priest penis. Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the priests out of the altar boy’s anuses. A puff of white smoke at the Vatican will mean a new pope has been selected - or they’re burning evidence.

I used to see members of the heavy metal band Lamb of God around town looking like Middle Earth dwarfs, all bearded and tatted up. But their kids look like William Fox Elementary honor students, which undermined their street cred. Their children must be rebelling. Now that the lead singer beat a murder charge in Prague, I can respect them once again. Oscar Pistorius, the Olympian called the Blade Runner, shot his girlfriend. Unfortunately, the prosecution doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

A body found in a Los Angeles hotel water tank. We know it’s not Lindsay Lohan because she wouldn’t be caught dead drinking water. A Florida man swallowed by a bedroom sinkhole. Kanye West says, “Now you know how I feel.” Girls Gone Wild has filed for bankruptcy. I’m sure that’s a weight off their chest. Virginia is seventeenth when it comes to producing porn stars. The most famous was Seka, who went to high school in Hopewell. In the seventies, she looked like Marilyn Monroe with larger breasts. Now she looks like Judi Dench. Fuck my life. Google Glass has a heads-up display and camera. It’s a technological breakthrough - for point-of-view porn. Coming soon: the pimp app. All you have to do is look at a woman and it tells you how much they’re are worth on the street. Imagine if they had Google Glass in the South during slavery: (points) (in Southern accent) “$500 on the auction block!” - (points) “escaped!”

The Center for Disease Control issues a warning about super gonorrhea. That’s one Marvel comic you’ll want to keep in a plastic bag. And watch out for his sidekick, Kid Chlamydia. This strain of gonorrhea is drug-resistant, so all we have to is introduce it to Keith Richards. A study shows that exercise raises your sperm count, watching television lowers your sperm count - and watching Internet porn strengthens your wrist. The belief that masturbation causes hairy palms is an old wive’s tale, which makes sense because old wives’ tails are why many husbands jerk off. Anyone who says go with the flow never had an enlarged prostate.

More veterinarians are treating animals with acupuncture. Finally, porcupines can self-medicate. Big scandal in England when horse meal sold as beef. For those of you concerned about horse meat in your beef, there’s an alternative: Soylent Green. I hate to be a neigh-sayer but it’s time to grind out some horse meat jokes. Nutritionists say horse meat is actually better for you than beef - and gives you a shinier coat. Decepticons say they don’t understand the fuss. They’ve been eating Ford Mustangs for years without any side effects. Anyone heard of the Pony Express? That’s the 15 items or less check-out line at an English grocer.
Track Name: Bar hopping with the Easter Bunny
Spring means baseball. I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels digging up his nuts so he could scratch his balls. The pope introduced a display of the Shroud of Turin at Easter. A lot of people don’t know this but the shroud was the first Shamwow. Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus. The only thing to return from the dead since then was Arrested Development. Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, hey, it could be worse. I could be Andy Dick on Dancing with the Stars. I don’t believe in God myself. Why? Science. A member of the cast of Buck Wild is dead but Honey Boo Boo is still alive.

The Easter Bunny was late for work. He was out late chasing tail. This year, I substituted Tweeps for Peeps. If they talked about what they had for lunch, I bit their head off. Barack Obama comforted a crying loser at the annual White House Easter egg roll. The Secret Service still doesn’t know how Mitt Romney got on the lawn. This year, they didn’t hide the Easter eggs - they sequestered them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others.

The NRA wants to arm teachers. Nuns in parochial schools would be issued semi-automatic rulers. Gun violence is a cultural as well as a law enforcement issue. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off.

Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got The Hurt Locker and Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants. Angelina Jolie built a school for girls in Afghanistan. I hope they teach them to shave their pits and cover up their tats. I want to get an Obama phone so I can call drone strikes in on my annoying neighbors. North Korea wants to bomb Texas, which is outrageous. They should bomb Mississippi first and then Texas. North Carolina Republicans want the state to have an official religion. I thought they already did: ignorance.

Google’s director of privacy resigns. She’s going to become Apple’s director of cheap gadgets. I was in Kroger and they played “I wanna be sedated” by the Ramones. One more item off my bucket list. I”m still waiting to hear “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. What’s scary, when they played “I wanna be sedated,” I was standing in front of the cough syrup. This targeted marketing has gone too far. Even worse, they played it again when was I was standing in front of DVD rack looking for the first season of “Breaking Bad.” That’s so wrong - everyone knows crystal meth isn’t a sedative. I knew things were out of control when I saw the special: with every ten packages of Sudafed you buy, you get a free crock pot. Breaking Bad was about a high school chemistry teacher making meth, Weeds was about a suburban housewife selling pot and The Wire was about the drug trade in Baltimore. We’ll know cable is out of ideas when they do a show about the black market in Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Twinkies among the morbidly obese.
Track Name: I want an Obama phone
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Justin Bieber’s monkey at German customs.

Spring means baseball. I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels digging up his nuts so he could scratch his balls. The pope introduced a display of the Shroud of Turin at Easter. A lot of people don’t know this but the shroud was the first Shamwow. Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus. The only thing to return from the dead since then was Arrested Development. I don’t believe in God. Why? Science. A member of the cast of Buck Wild is dead but Honey Boo Boo is still alive.
Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, hey, it could be worse. I could be Andy Dick on Dancing with the Stars.

The Easter Bunny was late for work. He was out bar hopping with Peter Cottontail, Roger Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. This year, I substituted Tweeps for Peeps. If they talked about what they had for lunch, I bit their head off. Barack Obama comforted a crying loser at the annual White House Easter egg roll. The Secret Service still doesn’t know how Mitt Romney got on the lawn. This year, they didn’t hide the Easter eggs - they sequestered them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others. Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli wants to bring back sodomy laws. Apparently having your head up your ass isn’t sodomy. North Carolina Republicans want the state to have an official religion. I thought they already did: ignorance.North Korea wants to bomb Texas, which is outrageous. They should bomb Mississippi first and then Texas.

Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got The Hurt Locker and Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants. Angelina Jolie built a school for girls in Afghanistan. I hope they teach them to shave their Pitts and cover up their tats. I want to get an Obama phone so I can call drone strikes in on my annoying neighbors.

Last week was another anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination. Martin Luther King had 99 problems and James Earl Ray was the last one. Controversy over Jay-Z’s vacation in Cuba. He says he was on a rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens in jail for impersonating his wife. Gun violence is a cultural as well as a law enforcement issue. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. The NRA wants to arm teachers. Nuns in parochial schools would be issued semi-automatic rulers.

Google’s director of privacy resigns. She’s going to become Apple’s director of cheap gadgets. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus.
Track Name: Drone strike on Uranus
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Wesley Snipes on April 15. More nervous than Justin Bieber’s monkey at German customs. Germany authorities confiscated Justin Bieber’s monkey. They were worried he was spanking it. I’ve stopped following Justin Bieber’s monkey on Twitter. I’m now following Selena Gomez’s beaver. Justin Bieber wishes Anne Frank was a Belieber. Germany says, not so fast, she still would have been a member of an inferior race. Then they gassed his monkey. Anyone who says it’s all good never spent any time at Auschwitz. When a concentration camp commandant says they have the skin of a baby, they’re talking about their lamps.

Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guiness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. Jay-Z criticized for traveling to Cuba. Actually, he was on rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens thrown into prison for impersonating his wife. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus. Conservatives criticize Reagan program subsidizing cell phones for poor and call them Obama phones, which is confusing. I thought the Obama phone was what you used to call in a drone strike on your annoying neighbors. Alternate: Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Elvis impersonator accused of trying to poison Obama is free. Wait a minute - being an Elvis impersonator isn’t illegal? You should be able to make a citizen’s arrest on sight, as with mimes. Former prime minister of England, Margaret Thatcher, died. I’m looking forward to Meryl Streep’s bravura performance as the Prime Minister in “The Walking Dead.” The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already?

Here’s a little known fact: Natty Bo lost his eye in a tragic beer pong accident. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin. That means it tastes like ancient hatreds, willful ignorance and priest penis. I just discovered my porcelain god has feet of clay. My goldfish had swimmer’s ear so the vet prescribed medical marijuana. I put him in bong water and now he has smoker’s cough. I used to gamble a lot at the off-track betting parlor on West Broad Street. I had Colonial Downs Syndrome.

I was in Kroger and they played “I wanna be sedated” by the Ramones. One more item to check off my bucket list. I”m still waiting to hear “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. What’s scary, I was standing in front of the cough syrup. This targeted marketing has gone too far. Even worse, they played it again when was I was looking for the DVD of the first season of “Breaking Bad.” That’s so wrong - everyone knows crystal meth isn’t a sedative. I knew things were out of control when I saw the special: with every ten packages of Sudafed you buy, you get a free crock pot. And with every ten boxes of nails, you get a free pressure cooker. Breaking Bad was about a high school chemistry teacher making meth, Weeds was about a suburban housewife selling pot and The Wire was about the drug trade in Baltimore. We’ll know cable is out of ideas when they do a show about the black market in Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Twinkies among the morbidly obese. You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re screwed.

This is race week in Richmond, which is confusing. I thought every week in Richmond was race week. People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people.

Science fiction movies: Top rejected movie title for Kevin Costner’s “Water World”: “Keep calm and drink urine.” Anyone seen Tom Cruise’s new science fiction movie, “Oblivion.” My favorite Tom Cruise science fiction movie is the one in which Scientology convinces him they can turn him into a heterosexual.
Track Name: The first ShamWow
Everyone enjoy Saint Patrick’s Day? The Richmond police used a choke hold on a party goer at Shamrock the Block. I thought they crossed the line when they tasered that leprechaun. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin, which means it tastes like willful ignorance, ancient hatreds and priest penis. Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the priests out of the altar boy’s anuses. A puff of white smoke at the Vatican was the signal the cardinals selected a new pope - or they’re burning evidence. The new pope is against abortion, birth control, women in the priesthood and gay marriage. He’s a great choice to lead the Catholic Church into the nineteenth century.

Easter’s coming up. A lot of people don’t know this but the resurrection of Jesus was the first ShamWow. The only thing to return from the dead since was Arrested Development. Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, “Hey, it could be worse. I could be Louie Anderson on Splash.”

The Easter Bunny may be late for work. He’s been out chasing tail. Every year, the White House has an Easter Egg roll on the lawn. This year, they won’t hide the Easter eggs - they’ll sequester them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others.

Donald Trump says we should let more Europeans into the country. I don’t know. The first time, it didn’t work out that great for the Vikings. The last time we tried it, we got genocide, slavery and the Civil War. This raises an interesting question: how does Donald Trump get his hair to fit into a pointed hat? Gun violence is a cultural problem, not just a matter of passing laws. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants.


If Polynesians call cannibalism eating long pig, is eating Verne Troyer short pig? Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Last week was Steak and Blow Job Day, which is confusing for vampires.
Track Name: Google Street View for Uranus
Spring means baseball. I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels digging up his nuts so he could scratch his balls. The pope introduced a display of the Shroud of Turin at Easter. A lot of people don’t know this but the shroud was the first Shamwow. Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus. The only thing to return from the dead since then was Arrested Development. I don’t believe in God. Why? Science. A member of the cast of Buck Wild is dead but Honey Boo Boo is still alive.
Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, hey, it could be worse. I could be Andy Dick on Dancing with the Stars.

The Easter Bunny was late for work. He was out bar hopping with Peter Cottontail, Roger Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. This year, I substituted Tweeps for Peeps. If they talked about what they had for lunch, I bit their head off. Barack Obama comforted a crying loser at the annual White House Easter egg roll. The Secret Service still doesn’t know how Mitt Romney got on the lawn. This year, they didn’t hide the Easter eggs - they sequestered them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others. Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli wants to bring back sodomy laws. Apparently having your head up your ass isn’t sodomy. North Carolina Republicans want the state to have an official religion. I thought they already did: ignorance.North Korea wants to bomb Texas, which is outrageous. They should bomb Mississippi first and then Texas.

Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got The Hurt Locker and Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants. Angelina Jolie built a school for girls in Afghanistan. I hope they teach them to shave their Pitts and cover up their tats. I want to get an Obama phone so I can call drone strikes in on my annoying neighbors.

Last week was another anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination. Martin Luther King had 99 problems and James Earl Ray was the last one. Controversy over Jay-Z’s vacation in Cuba. He says he was on a rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens in jail for impersonating his wife. Gun violence is a cultural as well as a law enforcement issue. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. The NRA wants to arm teachers. Nuns in parochial schools would be issued semi-automatic rulers.

Google’s director of privacy resigns. She’s going to become Apple’s director of cheap gadgets. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus.
Track Name: Justin Bieber's monkey and Selena Gomez' beaver
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Justin Bieber’s monkey at German customs.

Spring means baseball. I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels digging up his nuts so he could scratch his balls. The pope introduced a display of the Shroud of Turin at Easter. A lot of people don’t know this but the shroud was the first Shamwow. Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus. The only thing to return from the dead since then was Arrested Development. I don’t believe in God. Why? Science. A member of the cast of Buck Wild is dead but Honey Boo Boo is still alive.
Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, hey, it could be worse. I could be Andy Dick on Dancing with the Stars.

The Easter Bunny was late for work. He was out bar hopping with Peter Cottontail, Roger Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. This year, I substituted Tweeps for Peeps. If they talked about what they had for lunch, I bit their head off. Barack Obama comforted a crying loser at the annual White House Easter egg roll. The Secret Service still doesn’t know how Mitt Romney got on the lawn. This year, they didn’t hide the Easter eggs - they sequestered them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others. Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli wants to bring back sodomy laws. Apparently having your head up your ass isn’t sodomy. North Carolina Republicans want the state to have an official religion. I thought they already did: ignorance.North Korea wants to bomb Texas, which is outrageous. They should bomb Mississippi first and then Texas.

Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got The Hurt Locker and Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants. Angelina Jolie built a school for girls in Afghanistan. I hope they teach them to shave their Pitts and cover up their tats. I want to get an Obama phone so I can call drone strikes in on my annoying neighbors.

Last week was another anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination. Martin Luther King had 99 problems and James Earl Ray was the last one. Controversy over Jay-Z’s vacation in Cuba. He says he was on a rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens in jail for impersonating his wife. Gun violence is a cultural as well as a law enforcement issue. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. The NRA wants to arm teachers. Nuns in parochial schools would be issued semi-automatic rulers.

Google’s director of privacy resigns. She’s going to become Apple’s director of cheap gadgets. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus.


I was in Kroger and they played “I wanna be sedated” by the Ramones. One more item off my bucket list. I”m still waiting to hear “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. What’s scary, when they played “I wanna be sedated,” I was standing in front of the cough syrup. This targeted marketing has gone too far. Even worse, they played it again when was I was standing in front of DVD rack looking for the first season of “Breaking Bad.” That’s so wrong - everyone knows crystal meth isn’t a sedative. I knew things were out of control when I saw the special: with every ten packages of Sudafed you buy, you get a free crock pot. Breaking Bad was about a high school chemistry teacher making meth, Weeds was about a suburban housewife selling pot and The Wire was about the drug trade in Baltimore. We’ll know cable is out of ideas when they do a show about the black market in Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Twinkies among the morbidly obese.
Track Name: Lara Croft, Womb Raider
I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the president of Syria watching “Hang ‘Em High” on Turner Classic Movies.

I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. The Trail of Tears wasn’t genocide. It was a really tough Redskins training camp. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck. I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.”

IRS accused of politically motivated investigations into the Tea Party. Some IRS audits were legitimate. For example, Donald Trump shouldn’t have declared that thing on his head as a dependent. The scandal has spilled over into the INS, the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Alice was deported to Wonderland for having a Tea Party. Obama knew he had 99 problems when the dirt on his shoulder turned out to be a Bill of Impeachment. Obama says he’s not worried: politics is a marathon not a sprint, and he’s from Kenya. The last time Republicans impeached a Democrat, we would up with Hillary Clinton running for president. Better get used to eating your vegetables, because Michelle Obama should be back in the White House around 2024. Four Americans died in Benghazi eight months ago. Republicans should get to the bottom of this, oh, say, around the same time Hillary Clinton announces she’s running for president.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re screwed.

‘Iron Man 3’ big at the box office. Who knew that Michael Bay was Iron Man’s spirit animal? Don Cheadle will star in an Iron Man spin-off, ‘Iron Patriot - Return to Hotel Rwanda.’ That should have a high body count. Tom Cruise to star in a fifth Mission Impossible. It’ll be the most impossible of all missions Scientology ever had: turning him into a heterosexual. Angelina Jolie had her breasts surgically removed. Sadly, she still has her Pitts. Angelina may get her ovaries removed. Her next movie will be “Lara Croft: Womb Raider.”
Track Name: Who wants to marry a stripper?
I’d like a moment of silence for Jeff Hanneman, guitarist with Slayer, dead at 49 with liver disease. I think we can all agree we didn’t see that coming. I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck.

I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.” Swedish police find pot and a taser on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. One causes disorientation and the other causes pain, which pretty much sums up the Justin Bieber concert experience.

The Elvis impersonator accused of trying to poison Barack Obama has been freed. Wait a minute - isn’t being an Elvis impersonator a crime? You should be able to make a citizen’s arrest on sight, like with mimes. Voyager 1 has reached the outer limits of the solar system. Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Obama talked to Planned Parenthood and never used the word “abortion.” He did say women should have the right to call in a drone strike on their wombs. Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. A cantor is the lead singer in a church. House of Representatives Majority Leader Eric Cantor is Jewish. Given what he’s doing to the American public, should Eric’s last name be Mohel. I don’t understand. That joke would kill in a concentration camp.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re fucked.

Last weekend was race weekend in Richmond, which is confusing. I thought every weekend in Richmond was race weekend. People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people. The fire department rescued a Henrico woman from a sinkhole. All they had to do was drive her to the county line. Henrico County, or as I like to call it, Henhicko County. Henrico County has more crackers than a box of Saltines.
Track Name: Instagram cracker
I’d like a moment of silence for Jeff Hanneman, guitarist with Slayer, dead at 49 of liver disease. I think we can all agree we didn’t see that coming. The bad news: rapper Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross is dead. The good news. I can finally tell the difference between Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac. Swedish police find pot and a taser on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. One causes disorientation and the other causes pain, which pretty much sums up the Justin Bieber concert experience.

I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck. I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.”

Voyager 1 has reached the outer limits of the solar system. Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Obama talked to Planned Parenthood and never used the word “abortion.” He did say women should have the right to call in a drone strike on their wombs. Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. A cantor is the lead singer in a church. House of Representatives Majority Leader Eric Cantor is Jewish. Given what he’s doing to the American public, should Eric’s last name be Mohel. I don’t understand. That joke would kill in a concentration camp.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re fucked.

People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people.

The fire department rescued a Henrico woman from a sinkhole. All they had to do was drive her to the county line. Henrico County, or as I like to call it, Henhicko County. Henrico County has more crackers than a box of Saltines. What do you call a redneck with a camera phone? An Instagram cracker.

Who knew that Michael Bay was Iron Man’s spirit animal? Don Cheadle will star in an Iron Man spin-off, ‘Iron Patriot - Return to Hotel Rwanda.’ That should have a high body count. Tom Cruise to star in a fifth Mission Impossible. It’ll be the most impossible of all missions Scientology ever had: turning him into a heterosexual.