I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Wesley Snipes on April 15. More nervous than Justin Bieber’s monkey at German customs. Germany authorities confiscated Justin Bieber’s monkey. They were worried he was spanking it. I’ve stopped following Justin Bieber’s monkey on Twitter. I’m now following Selena Gomez’s beaver. Justin Bieber wishes Anne Frank was a Belieber. Germany says, not so fast, she still would have been a member of an inferior race. Then they gassed his monkey. Anyone who says it’s all good never spent any time at Auschwitz. When a concentration camp commandant says they have the skin of a baby, they’re talking about their lamps.

Bush administration reunion at the opening of the George Bush Library. Someone call the Guiness Book of World Records. There haven’t been this many war criminals in one room together since Nuremberg. Jay-Z criticized for traveling to Cuba. Actually, he was on rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens thrown into prison for impersonating his wife. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus. Conservatives criticize Reagan program subsidizing cell phones for poor and call them Obama phones, which is confusing. I thought the Obama phone was what you used to call in a drone strike on your annoying neighbors. Alternate: Obama asked NASA if it was too late to call in a drone strike on Uranus. Elvis impersonator accused of trying to poison Obama is free. Wait a minute - being an Elvis impersonator isn’t illegal? You should be able to make a citizen’s arrest on sight, as with mimes. Former prime minister of England, Margaret Thatcher, died. I’m looking forward to Meryl Streep’s bravura performance as the Prime Minister in “The Walking Dead.” The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already?

Here’s a little known fact: Natty Bo lost his eye in a tragic beer pong accident. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin. That means it tastes like ancient hatreds, willful ignorance and priest penis. I just discovered my porcelain god has feet of clay. My goldfish had swimmer’s ear so the vet prescribed medical marijuana. I put him in bong water and now he has smoker’s cough. I used to gamble a lot at the off-track betting parlor on West Broad Street. I had Colonial Downs Syndrome.

I was in Kroger and they played “I wanna be sedated” by the Ramones. One more item to check off my bucket list. I”m still waiting to hear “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. What’s scary, I was standing in front of the cough syrup. This targeted marketing has gone too far. Even worse, they played it again when was I was looking for the DVD of the first season of “Breaking Bad.” That’s so wrong - everyone knows crystal meth isn’t a sedative. I knew things were out of control when I saw the special: with every ten packages of Sudafed you buy, you get a free crock pot. And with every ten boxes of nails, you get a free pressure cooker. Breaking Bad was about a high school chemistry teacher making meth, Weeds was about a suburban housewife selling pot and The Wire was about the drug trade in Baltimore. We’ll know cable is out of ideas when they do a show about the black market in Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Twinkies among the morbidly obese. You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re screwed.

This is race week in Richmond, which is confusing. I thought every week in Richmond was race week. People say the South hasn’t made any progress but I disagree. Two members of a black fraternity drowned in a river during a hazing incident. White people used to drown black people. Now they’re drowning themselves. We’ve reached George Washington Carver’s dream of self-sufficiency. Alternate: black people used to drown in rivers escaping from slavery. Now they’re drowning to escape a boring social life. That’s progress, people.

Science fiction movies: Top rejected movie title for Kevin Costner’s “Water World”: “Keep calm and drink urine.” Anyone seen Tom Cruise’s new science fiction movie, “Oblivion.” My favorite Tom Cruise science fiction movie is the one in which Scientology convinces him they can turn him into a heterosexual.