The good news: I’ve stopped my post-Valentine’s Day drinking. The bad news: I’ve started my pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drinking. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin, which means it tastes like ancient hatreds, ignorance and priest penis. Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the priests out of the altar boy’s anuses. A puff of white smoke at the Vatican will mean a new pope has been selected - or they’re burning evidence.

I used to see members of the heavy metal band Lamb of God around town looking like Middle Earth dwarfs, all bearded and tatted up. But their kids look like William Fox Elementary honor students, which undermined their street cred. Their children must be rebelling. Now that the lead singer beat a murder charge in Prague, I can respect them once again. Oscar Pistorius, the Olympian called the Blade Runner, shot his girlfriend. Unfortunately, the prosecution doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

A body found in a Los Angeles hotel water tank. We know it’s not Lindsay Lohan because she wouldn’t be caught dead drinking water. A Florida man swallowed by a bedroom sinkhole. Kanye West says, “Now you know how I feel.” Girls Gone Wild has filed for bankruptcy. I’m sure that’s a weight off their chest. Virginia is seventeenth when it comes to producing porn stars. The most famous was Seka, who went to high school in Hopewell. In the seventies, she looked like Marilyn Monroe with larger breasts. Now she looks like Judi Dench. Fuck my life. Google Glass has a heads-up display and camera. It’s a technological breakthrough - for point-of-view porn. Coming soon: the pimp app. All you have to do is look at a woman and it tells you how much they’re are worth on the street. Imagine if they had Google Glass in the South during slavery: (points) (in Southern accent) “$500 on the auction block!” - (points) “escaped!”

The Center for Disease Control issues a warning about super gonorrhea. That’s one Marvel comic you’ll want to keep in a plastic bag. And watch out for his sidekick, Kid Chlamydia. This strain of gonorrhea is drug-resistant, so all we have to is introduce it to Keith Richards. A study shows that exercise raises your sperm count, watching television lowers your sperm count - and watching Internet porn strengthens your wrist. The belief that masturbation causes hairy palms is an old wive’s tale, which makes sense because old wives’ tails are why many husbands jerk off. Anyone who says go with the flow never had an enlarged prostate.

More veterinarians are treating animals with acupuncture. Finally, porcupines can self-medicate. Big scandal in England when horse meal sold as beef. For those of you concerned about horse meat in your beef, there’s an alternative: Soylent Green. I hate to be a neigh-sayer but it’s time to grind out some horse meat jokes. Nutritionists say horse meat is actually better for you than beef - and gives you a shinier coat. Decepticons say they don’t understand the fuss. They’ve been eating Ford Mustangs for years without any side effects. Anyone heard of the Pony Express? That’s the 15 items or less check-out line at an English grocer.