We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Justin Bieber's monkey and Selena Gomez' beaver

from Those Botox jokes never get old by Chris Martin

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $1 USD  or more

     

about

"Justin Bieber wishes Anne Frank had been a Belieber. Germany says, not so fast, she still would have been a member of an inferior race." Stand-up comic Chris Martin discovers the final solution to get Justin Bieber's monkey off his back April 24, 2013 at McCormack's Irish Pub in Richmond, VA.

lyrics

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than Justin Bieber’s monkey at German customs.

Spring means baseball. I saw a pitcher for the Flying Squirrels digging up his nuts so he could scratch his balls. The pope introduced a display of the Shroud of Turin at Easter. A lot of people don’t know this but the shroud was the first Shamwow. Easter marks the resurrection of Jesus. The only thing to return from the dead since then was Arrested Development. I don’t believe in God. Why? Science. A member of the cast of Buck Wild is dead but Honey Boo Boo is still alive.
Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, hey, it could be worse. I could be Andy Dick on Dancing with the Stars.

The Easter Bunny was late for work. He was out bar hopping with Peter Cottontail, Roger Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. This year, I substituted Tweeps for Peeps. If they talked about what they had for lunch, I bit their head off. Barack Obama comforted a crying loser at the annual White House Easter egg roll. The Secret Service still doesn’t know how Mitt Romney got on the lawn. This year, they didn’t hide the Easter eggs - they sequestered them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others. Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli wants to bring back sodomy laws. Apparently having your head up your ass isn’t sodomy. North Carolina Republicans want the state to have an official religion. I thought they already did: ignorance.North Korea wants to bomb Texas, which is outrageous. They should bomb Mississippi first and then Texas.

Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got The Hurt Locker and Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants. Angelina Jolie built a school for girls in Afghanistan. I hope they teach them to shave their Pitts and cover up their tats. I want to get an Obama phone so I can call drone strikes in on my annoying neighbors.

Last week was another anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination. Martin Luther King had 99 problems and James Earl Ray was the last one. Controversy over Jay-Z’s vacation in Cuba. He says he was on a rescue mission to free all those Cuban drag queens in jail for impersonating his wife. Gun violence is a cultural as well as a law enforcement issue. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. The NRA wants to arm teachers. Nuns in parochial schools would be issued semi-automatic rulers.

Google’s director of privacy resigns. She’s going to become Apple’s director of cheap gadgets. NASA’s Voyager 1 has reached the outer limit of the solar system. I like to think of it as Google Street View for Uranus.


I was in Kroger and they played “I wanna be sedated” by the Ramones. One more item off my bucket list. I”m still waiting to hear “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. What’s scary, when they played “I wanna be sedated,” I was standing in front of the cough syrup. This targeted marketing has gone too far. Even worse, they played it again when was I was standing in front of DVD rack looking for the first season of “Breaking Bad.” That’s so wrong - everyone knows crystal meth isn’t a sedative. I knew things were out of control when I saw the special: with every ten packages of Sudafed you buy, you get a free crock pot. Breaking Bad was about a high school chemistry teacher making meth, Weeds was about a suburban housewife selling pot and The Wire was about the drug trade in Baltimore. We’ll know cable is out of ideas when they do a show about the black market in Ho Hos, Ding Dongs and Twinkies among the morbidly obese.

credits

from Those Botox jokes never get old, track released April 26, 2013

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Chris Martin Richmond, Virginia

Chris Martin of Richmond, VA got the comedy bug back circa 2000 when he emailed Anderson Cooper of ABC’s World News Now several jokes and Cooper read one of them on each night of his broadcast from London with JuJu Chang. Chris thought maybe this joke-writing stuff has potential and started looking for open mics. ... more

contact / help

Contact Chris Martin

Streaming and
Download help

Report this track or account