Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich

from by Chris Martin

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"The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal as a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin gets caffeinated June 12 at LepreComedy at McCormack's Irish Pub.

lyrics

A woman in an audience last week said my jokes were very intelligent. I think it was my one about Snooki’s placenta that convinced here. Kim Kardashian wants to eat her placenta. She should probably start with something smaller, like Kanye’s ego. Justin Bieber booked a flight on Virgin Galactic. Justin Bieber strapped into a Virgin; isn’t that pretty much Justin Bieber every night. Michael Douglas says he got throat cancer from oral sex. We’ve gone from “I am Spartacus” to “I eat pussy” in one generation. The good news: he’s licked his cancer. Star Wars and Dr. Who fans clash at a science fiction convention in England. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis.

Disney raises prices at its theme parks. The money will go to pay for Grumpy’s met habit, damages after Donald Duck slipped Daisy a Mickey and hush money for Mr. Toad’s wild rides at Anaheim strip clubs. Snow White now has an eight dwarf named Gougey. California wildfires claimed another victim. A smoke jumper accidentally parachuted into Snoop Lion’s blunt. Tornadoes killed and injured dozens in Oklahoma. It’s the worst tornado disaster since “Oz The Great and Powerful.” The winds were so powerful they blew the wig right off Amanda Bynes. They were so powerful, they blew the coke right out of Lindsay Lohan’s nose. They blew so hard, they registered a ten on the New Gingrich scale.

June 4 was the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square anniversary. Apple employees marked the occasion by throwing themselves under tanks instead of off buildings. The Chinese buy Smithfield Foods. Pork jerky will now be known as pork chop sticks. Dunkin’ Donuts introduces a glazed donut breakfast sandwich.Insulin sprinkles are extra. Not to be outdone, McDonalds introduces the Kurt Cobain breakfast sandwich: fried ham sandwiched between Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur with a hole in the middle.

The American Psychiatric Association classifies caffeine withdrawal at a mental disorder, which makes sense since a psychiatrist costs less than a Starbucks habit. One day without coffee and I’m Java the Hurt. You know you have a problem when your barista is Walter White. You know you have a problem when you stir your coffee with a syringe. Stay away from the brown acid and the black espresso. The states spent $3.6 billion enforcing pots laws in 2010 - most of it spent by Texas - on Willie Nelson. Experts call for a more sensible, more popular and less expensive approach: buying every Harold & Kumar DVD and shredding them. Police can now swab people they arrest for DNA. Black folks will once again be picking cotton - out of their cheeks. New York City street vendors now selling counterfeit genes.

Zynga laid off 520 employees. The company knew they had problems when the Joad family moved from FarmVille to California. The Senate held a hearing on Apple’s tax avoidance. Apple has the iPod and the iPad. They just haven’t gotten around to the iPaid. The National Security Agency is monitoring social media. I knew I shouldn’t have friended Jack Bauer on Facebook. The NSA is monitoring MySpace but all they hear are crickets. Like the National Security Agency on Facebook and get a free drone strike. Be sure and check out the CIA’s water boarding photos on Pinterest. Michelle Obama shut down a heckler during a speech at a fundraiser. Fortunately, the drone strike only grazed Michele Bachman. The Taliban is using rectal bombs. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase roid rage.

credits

from Wossameta U, track released June 12, 2013

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Chris Martin Richmond, Virginia

Chris Martin of Richmond, VA got the comedy bug back circa 2000 when he emailed Anderson Cooper of ABC’s World News Now several jokes and Cooper read one of them on each night of his broadcast from London with JuJu Chang. Chris thought maybe this joke-writing stuff has potential and started looking for open mics. ... more

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