France legalizes gay marriage. Traditionalist will be glad that shaving your armpits will still be illegal. Now we know why Chick-fil-A serves waffle fries instead of French fries. French President Francois Hollande was dazed and sauced when he signed the law. The Dutch one-up the French. They legalize putting your finger in a dyke. French waiters protest by being twice as rude to gay couples. The French celebrate with a wine and head cheese party.

IRS accused of politically motivated investigations into the Tea Party. Some IRS audits were legit. Donald Trump shouldn’t have declared that thing on his head as a dependent. The scandal has spilled over into the INS, the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Alice was deported to Wonderland for having a Tea Party. Obama knew he had 99 problems when the dirt on his shoulder turned out to be a Bill of Impeachment. Obama says he’s not worried: politics is a marathon not a sprint, and he’s from Kenya. Four Americans died in Benghazi eight months ago. Republicans should get to the bottom of this, oh, say, around the same time Hillary Clinton announces she’s running for president. Russia accuses US of spying. The CIA was trying to find out the secret ingredient in Soylent Green vodka.

Illinois Senate approve medical marijuana. State changes slogan from “Land of Lincoln” to “Land of Doritos.” Abe Lincoln rolls over in his grave - and rolls Bob Marley a blunt. Lincoln changes his occupation from rail splitter to spliffer. Walt Whitman revises “Leaves of Grass.” New York Police Department roll call reminds cops women can’t get in trouble for going topless. Anthony Weiner complains about a double standard. OJ Simpson asks for a new trial - says he didn’t know that what happens in Vegas goes to prison.

Six hundred million dollar Powerball is the largest in history. Kim Kardashian says she hasn’t seen a meal ticket this big since Kanye West. Zach Galifianakis hopes he wins the Powerball. That way, he won’t have to make ‘Hangover 4.’ Zachary Quinto and Zach Galifianakis will star in a mash-up of ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Hangover.’ It will be called ‘Vulcan and Dumber.’ Dr. Who and Star Wars fans clash at an English science fiction convention. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis. Best crossover appearance in the new Star Trek movie: Carrie Fisher drops by the Enterprise to borrow a cup of dilithium. Spoiler alert for ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’: it’s not about William Shatner’s glaucoma operation. Too many product placements in the new Star Trek movie: William Shatner keeps showing up on the bridge of the Enterprise, claiming he could have booked the trip for less on Priceline. The Enterprise crashes into the ocean. Fortunately, Enterprise Rent-A-Starship has free towing. Best sex scene: Chris Pine transports his penis into Alice Eve’s vagina. Worst sex scene: Zachary Quinto applies a vulcan nerve pinch to Zoe Saladana’s vagina. Biggest surprises: Chris Pine means twink in Klingon and Cumberbatch is the other team sport in Harry Potter. Angelina Jolie has her breasts surgically removed. Sadly, she still has her Pitts. Angelina may get her ovaries removed. Her next movie will be “Lara Croft: Womb Raider.”

Yahoo! buys Tumblr for $600 million. Tumbleweeds blowing through Geocities will now be called Tumblrweeds. To more accurately reflect its content, Tumblr will now be called HooPorn.