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Lara Croft, Womb Raider

from Those Botox jokes never get old by Chris Martin

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"Angelina Jolie has her breasts surgically removed. Sadly, she still has her Pitts." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin plays doctor April 16, 2013 at Hahas at Baja in Richmond, VA.

lyrics

I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy. How nervous? More nervous than the president of Syria watching “Hang ‘Em High” on Turner Classic Movies.

I’m Italian-American, named after Christopher Columbus. Columbus was OG, original gangsta, the first American Mafioso. He was great at extortion, robbery and murder, not so good at running a protection racket - just ask Native Americans. The Trail of Tears wasn’t genocide. It was a really tough Redskins training camp. A member of the audience last week compared me to Lenny Bruce. I hope I don’t wind up like Bruce. I mean, who wants to marry a stripper? I was in the checkout line at Kroger behind three attractive women. That’s as close as I’m getting to a threesome today - or any other day. Brooklyn hipsters are raising children without diapers, which is interesting because that’s the way I want to end my life. I have a retirement plan. It’s called getting hit by a truck. I’m doing a reality tv show about what happens when you’ve had three shots of espresso and the WiFi goes down at a coffee shop. It’s called “Starbucks Wild.”

IRS accused of politically motivated investigations into the Tea Party. Some IRS audits were legitimate. For example, Donald Trump shouldn’t have declared that thing on his head as a dependent. The scandal has spilled over into the INS, the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Alice was deported to Wonderland for having a Tea Party. Obama knew he had 99 problems when the dirt on his shoulder turned out to be a Bill of Impeachment. Obama says he’s not worried: politics is a marathon not a sprint, and he’s from Kenya. The last time Republicans impeached a Democrat, we would up with Hillary Clinton running for president. Better get used to eating your vegetables, because Michelle Obama should be back in the White House around 2024. Four Americans died in Benghazi eight months ago. Republicans should get to the bottom of this, oh, say, around the same time Hillary Clinton announces she’s running for president.

We spent a quadrillion dollars and ten years in Iraq and Afghanistan to defend ourselves against terrorism. We just got blown up by two stoners from Chechnya with $100 pressure cookers upset about the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Is it too late to get our money back? Now people want to go to war with Syria. Can’t we just give Cheech and Chong (alternate: Harold and Kumar) a suitcase full of pressure cookers and a one-way ticket to Damascus and call it a day - or a movie? The Czech ambassador said, don’t confuse us with Chechens. And would you please stop with the canceled check jokes, already? You can buy up to 50 pounds of black powder if you’re a hobbyist. If you buy an ounce of white powder and you’re black, you’re screwed.

‘Iron Man 3’ big at the box office. Who knew that Michael Bay was Iron Man’s spirit animal? Don Cheadle will star in an Iron Man spin-off, ‘Iron Patriot - Return to Hotel Rwanda.’ That should have a high body count. Tom Cruise to star in a fifth Mission Impossible. It’ll be the most impossible of all missions Scientology ever had: turning him into a heterosexual. Angelina Jolie had her breasts surgically removed. Sadly, she still has her Pitts. Angelina may get her ovaries removed. Her next movie will be “Lara Croft: Womb Raider.”

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from Those Botox jokes never get old, track released May 16, 2013

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Chris Martin Richmond, Virginia

Chris Martin of Richmond, VA got the comedy bug back circa 2000 when he emailed Anderson Cooper of ABC’s World News Now several jokes and Cooper read one of them on each night of his broadcast from London with JuJu Chang. Chris thought maybe this joke-writing stuff has potential and started looking for open mics. ... more

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