Monday was Memorial Day. Dick Cheney observed Memorial Day by laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Weapon of Mass Destruction. Are weasels are upset when they find out they’re Dick Cheney’s spirit animal? Sean Hannity barbecued an IRS bureaucrat. The FBI grilled an Associated Press reporter. I just discovered Amanda Bynes is my spirit animal. Amanda busted for pot. You know you’re out of control when Reese Witherspoon, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen stage an intervention for you. Amanda threw a bong out the window. Fortunately, Snoop Lion was able to break the fall. Vodka bottle hits Toots of Toots & The Maytals at Richmond concert. Actually, it was a bong thrown by Amanda Bynes.

Michelle Obama says black kids shouldn’t worry about acting white. I wish Barack Obama would stop acting white - but he keeps killing brown people anyway. Saudi arrested for having a pressure cooker in his luggage. Customs became suspicious when he tried to declare an RPG as a falafel maker. John McCain visits Syrian rebels. He says we should arm them with the deadliest weapons in our arsenal: the Expendables. Obama calls for an end to sexual assault in the military. Meals Ready to Eat will no longer include Roofies. Humvees will no longer called Hummers. Engineers will stop laying mines. Body armor will now include chastity belts. The Navy will stop calling rape a sausage boarding party. The Senate held a hearing on Apple’s tax avoidance. Apple has the iPod and the iPad. They just haven’t gotten around to the iPaid.

The Jersey Shore is back and tougher than ever after Hurricane Sandy. The boardwalk is made of leftovers from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s lap band surgery and the roads are paved with a slurry made from Snooki’s placenta. Crowds line up for the latest amusement park ride, The Situation. It’s bumpy but don’t worry, they’re just genital warts. Be sure and bring a motion sickness bag - and a condom. Taco Bell is testing a waffle taco. If you’re really adventurous, you could just put maple syrup on your fish taco. NASA is working on a 3-D pizza printer. Why bother? I hear they have great pizza on Uranus. NASA may shut down the Kepler telescope, which is 40 million miles from earth. They don’t want to pay the roaming charges. It’s the fiftieth anniversary of the Woolworth lunch counter sit-in. Given that African-Americans are the most morbidly obese ethnic group, maybe it’s time to push away from the lunch counter. The GOP candidate for governor says Planned Parenthood has killed a lot more black folks than the KKK. Wrong: McDonald’s has killed a lot more black folks than the KKK ever did.

Boy Scouts allow gays, which has many ramifications. Scouts will have to more carefully pronounce Webelos. New badges for fashion, hair styling and fudge packing. Jerry Saunders finally gets his shower badge. Scouts will now be Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent and Curious.

The problem with suicide: it doesn’t always succeed. How about a threesome with Jodi Arias, Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony? That’ll get ‘er done. Japan denies existence of ghosts in the prime minister’s house. They just don’t want to pronounce all those Rs in “Scooby-doo, where are you.” Finally, Bill Murray has a reason not to do “Ghostbusters 3” that makes sense. Star Wars and Dr. Who fans clash at a science fiction convention in England. It started when someone called Chewbacca a Tardis. Jay-Z says Beyonce isn’t pregnant. She put a NuvaRing on it.